Scientists Discover New Elements

Global warming and the skyrocketing price of oil are proof of
the existence of a new chemical element. A major
research institution has recently announced the
discovery in 2007 of the heaviest element yet known
to science. The new element has been named
Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that
would normally take less than a second to take over
four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal
half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange
places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will
cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium -- an element which radiates just as
much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.