Saturday, January 13, 2007

Square Bagels

This is another one of my friend, Jimmy's, latest observations. He has a very, very interesting thought process, to say the least.

Ok. So I'm at Sergio's house today along with Phillip and Stan. We had just finished band practice, and went downstairs to get something to feast upon. So Sergio reaches into his pantry and pulls out a bag of seemingly deformed bread. After inquiring about the strange yet tasty bread, Sergio informed me that they were square bagels. Yes, square bagels. I told Sergio that the notion was simply preposterous because bagels are round, but upon closer inspection, the plastic bag did indeed say, "Square bagels". This causes me and Sergio to get into an very heated debate over the existence of square bagels, and if the objects that we held in our hands were actual square bagels, or if they were just really retarded pieces of bread. The way I see it, there are problems with this logic. First off, a bagel is defined, according to, as such:

"A glazed, ring-shaped roll with a tough, chewy texture, made from plain yeast dough that is dropped briefly into nearly boiling water and then baked."

Please take careful note of the bold word. "Ring-shaped". Ring-shaped implies that it is in the shape of a ring, which is shaped, oddly enough, like this:

The above image is an actual picture of a REAL bagel. Bagels cannot be square, because a square is shaped like this:

Now, can someone please tell me how the above shape is in any way related to a ring shape? I'll tell you right now; IT'S NOT.

Therefore, the phrase "square bagel" is a paradox, and a logical impossibility.

Now, despite this clear paradox, Sergio decided to ignore basic logic, and insisted that, despite the given proof, square bagels do in fact exist because the label on the plastic bag said "Square bagels". If I took a box of strawberries and labeled it "cherries", would that make it a box of cherries? Of course it wouldn't. It would just make the person who labeled the box a moron.

So, we can now deduce from this logic that the so called "square bagels" are actually just radiation-deformed pieces of bread, and that the manufacturers who made them and labeled the packages are complete morons.

We can also deduce from this logic that Sergio is completely and utterly retarded, and refuses to acknowledge the most basic of logic.

Case closed.


Paintsmh said...

We can buy square bagels up here too. However, I think the qualifying point for us is that the packages are generally labeled 'square bagel bread'. I figure that the companies started making this product as a result of the number of people who like to make sandwiches with them. Easier if there isn't a huge hole in the center.

Hurricane Teen said...

Indeed. I believe that would be the case. It's kind of hard to slather mayonaisse on a piece of bread with a huge hole in it.

Paintsmh said...

Yah, and messy too. Yuck.

threecollie said...

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